I Don't Want to Be an Asshole Anymore

I'm a ruthless negotiator
I am practiced in the art of deception
I can bring you to your knees
With the greatest of ease
I could win just about any election

I have nine illegitimate children
They are homeless and I am very rich
I'm a prostitute dater and a porn star raper
And my wife is an ungrateful bitch

But there comes a time in every asshole's life
His way of life is called into question
Something breaks through his armour
Of hardened bitterness
And he says, "I don't want to be an asshole anymore"

When I was born, my mother dropped me on my head
My father laughed out loud while I bled
They used to feed me rocks and sticks
They used to kick me just for kicks
I used to cry all night in bed

I had a sister who was mentally retarded
The kids as school would mercilessly tease her
I tried to come to her defense
They beat me till I had no sense
I learned to carefully point my anger

But there comes a time in every asshole's life
His way of life is called into question
Something breaks through his armour
Of hardened bitterness
And he says, "I don't want to be an asshole anymore"

First chance I had I moved away from home
I never saw my family again
My sister took her own life
While I was cheating on my wife
I've never felt so all alone

And now I see what I have done: I have turned my heart to stone
Made sure I never get the love I sorely need
And now that someone really cares
It seems that I'm the one who dares
To pray for hope that my soul can be freed

But there comes a time in every asshole's life
His way of life is called into question
A situation calls
For a certain tenderness
And he says, "I don't want to be an asshole anymore"

"Anymore"